Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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