my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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