i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
FUCK WHALES
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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