I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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