I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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