He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
