so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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