you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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