WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
