im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
