new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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