Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
