wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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