I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize