Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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