New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Randomize
