my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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