I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
