she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Randomize
