We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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