the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
