Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
