I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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