So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Someone shattered a urinal.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
