He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize