I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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