I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
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