Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
