you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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