He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
