Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
