I got chris browned last night
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
