she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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