no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
