you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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