a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
