Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize