Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize