Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
