Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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