Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Randomize
