I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Quick, to the slutcave!
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
