I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
