I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
