I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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