i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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