47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize