My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
