i think my mom watched the whole time
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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