2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
