Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
