i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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