guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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