woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He had one of those small greek statue penises
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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