I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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