Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
