my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
