oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
